i am my own inspiration

February 07, 2019

i can't tell you how often i feel inadequate.  like i'm not good enough.  like i need to constantly be better, be doing more, be doing different.  i question myself all the time.  every single day.  maybe it's because i grew up with social media and the facade that everyone is just better than me.  i guess you can simply say that i'm not confident in who i am.

i've been going through a season of figuring out who exactly is ralizabeth.  it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.  sad some days.  lost others.  extremely happy and grateful the next.  i like to say that i'm going through an identity crisis and let me tell you, i am so much more emotionally stable than i was a few months ago.  i've written about it here and there but i never really knew how to even say that.  how do you tell someone i don't know who i am?  it's just weird.

my desire to create content for this space totally went away there.  i mean, i guess you can say that my motivation for this space has always been pretty splotchy.  and it became even more scarce when i started asking myself these hard questions.  questions like who am i even?!  that idea that i don't even know who i am just kind of froze me in place for a little while.  i stopped wanting to write.  i stopped wanted to share me.  i started sharing content solely on my instagram because that's what all the cool cats are doing so i should be doing that too, right?

last night, a little after 10pm and i was on my laptop, wasting time.  procrastinating on the things that i really want to do.  avoiding the things that i know will make me happy but i just get lost in my head with worry.  should i rebrand?  should i re-do my blog?  does anyone even care?  i was on pinterest looking up inspiration for all things currently on my radar.  you know, different pixie hair styles, mini australian puppies, ideas for our new apartment that we don't even know if we're going to get or not, keto recipes (i found an amazing eggplant rollups that i want to try within the next week!), nail designs, outfit ideas, you know, wasting my time.   then i decided to look for a new template for my blog and i found one!  phew, that was easier than i thought!  and then... and then i landed on my blog.  this space.

i started clicking through and reading my old posts.  this time last year junior and i were headed to los angeles to celebrate his 30th birthday.  i started reading my writing. my words.   the things i felt were special enough to share at the time.  i couldn't believe i wrote them.  i couldn't believe this was my space.  those were photos of me that my husband and i created.  memories that we shared together that i wanted to share here.

i had a friend once tell me that she loved my writing.  i was so surprised to hear that.  no one had ever told me that before.  we both had strict parents growing up so we would communicate with hand written letters and eventually email.  she had told me that she always loved the way i wrote and i was filled with so much love with her words.  someone enjoys my style of writing?  i didn't even know i had a style of writing!  and reading my old words last night made me see what she saw.  maybe what many people see but never tell me.  and maybe what no one else sees, but just me and her.  either way, i fell in love with myself all over again.

and that feeling of shock with my past self made me question.  why?   why was i such in disbelief that those were my words.  my pictures.  my ideas and my memories laid out, for me to look back on...just as i always intended.  and it's because i was stuck in such an inadequate black hole.  so much comparison.  so much trying to be better.  so much fomo that i was actually missing out!  missing out on being me!!

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photographs by blissfulkaos  

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