marriage: figure it out

March 02, 2020

this marriage series is a series where i randomly share the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to our marriage. find all marriage posts here. i hope you learn something from our experiences!

the other day my husband was trying to send an email with large attachments.  it was a kind of a big deal for him to get this email out and while i was in the kitchen washing dishes, i heard him cursing under his breath with frustration.  for some reason i took it personal.  i thought he was frustrated with me.  i went over by him and asked what the problem was.  the files are too large!  it won't send!  and i'm like you have to make a zipfile, duh!!!  to which he replied that he didn't even know what that was.  google it!  figure it out!!!

when i walked back in the kitchen, i instantly realized i was such a bitch for no. damn. reason!!  telling him to "figure it out" was something my mom used to say to me and i specifically remember the last time she did that to me i cried.  sometimes it's hard for people to ask for help and to be told to "figure it out" is extremely hurtful.

my insecurities made me believe that anytime my husband is frustrated, it's my fault.  as if i'm responsible for his feelings.  as if anytime he feels anything "less than" is because i failed in some way.  so my response was to get defensive.  because how dare you be frustrated with me because you can't figure something out!!!  and since we are programmed from our childhood by our caretakers, sometimes we tend to do things as they did.  especially the very things that hurt us.

ugh.  i'm ashamed even typing that out.  honestly i'm embarrassed with my actions but i'm also proud of myself.  because part of being human is failing.  but see, the win is when you realize you failed and why you failed.  is there anything i can do to prevent this from happening again?  is there anything i can do to fix the situation now?

i went back to him and told him i was sorry.  that i got defensive and that i know what i did was hurtful.  i tried to help him but he had already figured it out.  i couldn't really help him in that moment but what i did to help him and help us and help myself  is more valuable than trying to undo a hurt i already did.  figuring out why i reacted that way has given me the tools to be able to react with love next time instead of insecurities and defense.

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photographs by blissfulkaos taken in death valley national park, ca

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