a birthday note: 31

August 21, 2020

i was having a conversation with a work colleague/mentor/friend earlier this week. she remembered that my birthday was coming up and asked me how old i was going to be. “oh you’re a baby!” she said. “yea, but i really need to get my shit together,” i responded. 

this was such a natural response from me. one that i didn’t think much of before saying it out loud. it was my subconscious speaking. it was my inner self saying out loud what i say to myself, in private, in my mind. the same old narrative...that somehow i'm not good enough.

she mentioned that the reason i believe that false narrative about myself is because no one ever tells me how great i am.  but that i should know, i am, in fact, great.  those words. i needed those words. i needed to hear those words despite how much it pains me to admit that.  that even after 31 years of life, and all this work i've been putting into myself these past few years, i still  have so much self doubt.  

it was in that moment i realized that i’m the one that needs to tell myself that i’m great.  that i'm proud of myself.  that i've accomplished so much in only 31 years and that i will continue to accomplish so much more. that i’ve overcome so much in my life. and that i’ve persevered and i keep persevering despite the lies that i tell myself. 

i’m entering my 31st year a little more woke and with the ganas (read: desire) to implement all the new things i've been learning about myself. while it's beautiful to receive complements, the only complements that truly matter are the ones that i give myself.  the only opinion that truly matters is the one i have of myself.  

this last year was another year of growth.  and i hope that i every year, when i post these birthday notes (as i have done in so many previous years, like here and here and here), that i am able to say that.  that i've learned and that i've grown and that i'm proud.  

happy birthday to me.

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